Jeremy Piven

Dear Jeremy Piven,

I don't watch Entourage but I don't think I need to in order to know that you are not funny, and you will never be funny. I already know that you can't act, you are in love with yourself and you are a total all around douchebag. I hate your stupid face. You have no talent, and we all know you have a terrible toupee so take it off already. You rode John Cusack's coattails for more than a decade and then had the nerve to say he was a bad friend and jealous of you. Your new movie The Goods looks worse than watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop while undergoing an enema. It will be awesome after Entourage goes off the air and everyone forgets you even exist.

Thanks,
Berman Bothers

Kings of Leon

Kings of Leon are the rock band of the moment. I have no idea why. Seriously, people who vaguely know anything about rock music, and people that love rock music and all of its subgenres all seem to be on board with the phenomenon that is the Kings of Leon. I still don't get it. I've listened to their records - even more than once. I had to revisit them because I wanted to know what it was that I missed. What is the universal appeal? Why are they able to headline these huge venues now? To me they kinda sound like a shitty Black Crowes (who I also never liked). The only thing that I can think of is that people really love incredibly bland rock music made by white dudes that are related.

Brooklyn Cyclones Promotions

Last week me and a bunch of my friends went to the see our local minor league baseball team, the Brooklyn Cyclones (New York Met affiliate!). Nice, cheap, cozy alternative form of baseball to combat the expensiveness of the majors.

One nice thing that the Cyclones decided to do that day was if you bought a Field Box ticket ($15 - the most expensive tickets available) you would get a voucher for one hot dog, one soda and a bag of chips. Thanks Cyclones, really nice of you. So I went and looked at the ticket I had bought - Field Box! Oh yeah!, free hot dog time (or actually 2 free hot dogs since my wife doesn't like hot dogs). I'm sure what will happen is when we go to the game, we'll just show them our tickets, and then they will give us each the voucher we deserve.

Dead wrong.

I called up the Cyclones box office just to make sure this is how things would work. What they told me made me want to punch someone in the face through the phone. Apparently, since we had bought our tickets before the season even started, we weren't eligible for these vouchers. So, basically we were getting penalized for being fans of the Cyclones and being excited about seeing them by planning a night in advance to go to a game. How is this possible? Why would I then buy tickets in advance when I know there's a chance I'm passing up some type of free gift. Big mistake Cyclones, I won't soon forget this.

The Brooklyn Brewery's Free Tour

Don't get me wrong I am a big fan of the Brooklyn Brewery - but it used to be way cooler. Once upon a time you would show up on a Saturday, be able to go into the tour which took about 20 or so minutes, then they would give you some tokens for a couple of FREE beers that you could enjoy for making the pilgrimage into fucktown Williamsburg. Once upon a time was like three years ago. Now all of that is gone and drowned by hipster assholes. They can't give us free beer tokens anymore because there's too many of you fucks. So now you can go for a free tour of one room and when you're done just stand on a line, buy tokens, then stand on another line to pick up your beers.
Brooklyn Brewery free tour costs time and energy.

Bar Mitzvahs That Last Until 1AM

Last month I had to attend a bar mitzvah for a cousin of mine. Usually a day of being surrounded by tween aged kids and bad music are won over by a ton of food and open bar, and it ends up being an ok event of saying hi to distant relatives I haven't seen in some time. No problem, right? Wrong. Little did I notice, until the day before the event, that this one was a night bar mitzvah. I swear the last like 3 I went to were during the day. This one started at 6pm! Most weddings don't even start that late. The invitation even read something like "Hey parents, be prepared to pick up your kid at 1am." 1AM! So basically people shouldd drop off their twelve year old kid, let them listen to dance music and run around while they consume nothing but sugar and then bring them home all coked up at 1am. Thanks for nothing jews.

Brett Favre

I should have used my ska bands post for this one - Enough already. But really, come on man. You are 39 years old. You really sucked last year... and yet, you have it out for the Packers so you want to play for the Vikings and beat them. Yeah that will really show them. Brett, you had your best years there, you were at one time a great QB for a popular NFL team. Now you could have trouble beating out Sage Rosenfels. Sage Rosenfels!
I think at this point I am speaking for 90% of the population when I say - Brett Favre please give it up, no I mean really. Stop fucking around. You are no longer even allowed to play Madden.

Starting The NFL Draft at 4PM

Didn't this used to start at like noon or 1PM? Who thought it was a good idea to move this late in the day? It seems like the perfect event to start at 1 on a lazy Saturday - maybe enjoy a sandwich and watch the first round. Then as you get late in the day you're into the second and third round and you can shut it off. Now we start at 4PM, and let it go into dinner plans or maybe time to go out and actually enjoy Saturday night? The thought behind this must be that we need 3 more hours of speculation on trades and who is getting picked where, as if we didn't already have about 2 months of that talk. Attention NFL you are stupid.